White Sneakers

I looked down at my shoes the other day....they're nothing special, just a pair of New Balance sneakers that I bought because they were mostly white. When I bought them in August 2009, they were so white that they were blinding when I laced them up at 5am during my first semester clinical rotations. These white sneakers have carried me through some of the best days and some of the roughest days that I have encountered in my life.

This past Tuesday, they carried me through a rough day. It was the kind of day that made me question if this is really what I want to be doing. It was the kind of day where I cried on my way home from the hospital. The crying continued when I got home and found myself sobbing in Justin's arms for the majority of the night.

It was the kind of day that made me feel like I was incapable of doing anything to help. My patient was in such excruciating pain, despite a large amount of pain meds, that just walking into his room throughout the day broke my heart. I had to hold the tears back as I sat at the computer charting.

It was an experience that I will take with me throughout my nursing career - to help me to continue to strive to make a difference for my patients, to be their advocate, to help them in their greatest time of need. I know, it sounds like a cliche, but if you know me at all, you know it's the truth.

Today, I saw those sneakers sitting in the front entry way - they're not allowed anywhere else in the house - and they reminded me of how much I've been through & accomplished over the past 18 months.

Jack Johnson

Jack Johnson is playing on the iPod. This particular playlist is labeled as "Hospital Remix."

I'm counting to 10 over & over again... The nurse asks "Do you have any John Mayer?" I laugh, thinking to myself that my coworker saw him at a restaurant, wearing a jacket with "Mayer" written across the back, just in case no one knew who he was. Loser.com for sure.

I feel like I've been counting to 10 for hours...it was really only been about 90 minutes. I'm the first to announce "I see his hair!" Dad is so excited, he forgets to count to 10 - I take over, reminding him to keep counting, without having to say anything to him.

Before I know it, the baby is out. Dad immediately has tears streaming down his cheeks. I grab the camera, so that they have a picture of him cutting the baby's cord. & so that they can have a picture of the nurse giving Mom the baby. & so that Dad can hold the video camera, without having to worry about someone taking pictures. & so that they have a couple of pictures of their first moments of being a family. (Don't worry - they were all G-rated!)

Before I know it, Mom tells Dad to get a picture of the baby & me. It was such a great moment. I congratulate the parents & tell them what a fabulous job they did. I also thank them for allowing me to help them throughout the delivery. Dad asks me how many deliveries I've assisted in. I tell him "This was my first one."

& from that moment on, it is a memory that I will never be able to forget.

The End....already?

I can't believe it's here already - the end of my 8 week rotation in pediatrics.

I never thought that I was going to enjoy this rotation as much as I did. Let's face it, everyone says I'm great with kids, so naturally, that would mean that I would be horrible with kids at the hospital.

Much to my surprise, I LOVED every second of this rotation - even when it meant waking up a 3 year old who just started bawling his eyes out when he saw me. Even when it meant that it was just me and a young, new mom trying to get her baby a bath.

I enjoyed getting to know my patients & their parents. Learning that singing the ABCs helps to comfort a 4 year old was quite the experience & just thinking about it brings a smile to my face - especially considering I am tone deaf.

Who knows? Maybe being a pediatric nurse is in my near future!

Here we go again..

"I might throw up - I'm scared."

That's the text message that I sent to my nursing school "wife". (We spend more time with each other than we do with our significant others, so why not come up with a nickname?)

3rd semester came so quickly. Where did my summer go? It seemed as though I blinked my eyes and my summer was gone. I suppose that can happen when you spend your entire summer working....

I am so grateful that I made the time to take a family trip up to the Central Coast. It was much needed (and let's face it, well deserved!)

I take a deep breath, step out of the car & walk towards the beginning of my 3rd semester.

19

Yesterday, I finished my last day of clinicals for the semester.

It still hasn't sunk in. I have taken care of approximately 19 patients over the course of the semester. I have seen everything from a patient with a hysterectomy - a patient with a new knee - a patient with a repaired back - a patient who would be losing most of his leg.

The experiences I have gained over the past 15 weeks I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I started my first IV.

I knew that a patient couldn't take blood products, even when his surgeon didn't know.

I provided comfort to a dying patient.

I did all of this and so much more.

I can look back and know that through all of the tears (and there were quite a few!) that I am doing what I love.

I'm already halfway to my goal: Amanda = RN!

Another day.....another set of tears

It was bound to happen sooner or later - the patient that I had "picked" on Wednesday afternoon was discharged before I arrived on Thursday morning. All of the pathophysiology that I looked up & wrote out...all of those dreaded medications and their side effects ended up being just a complete waste of time. Great, just great.

My instructor circles a nurse's name and tells me to pick two of her patients, because she is a great RN and I will learn a lot. My patient may have left, but my RN will be awesome, so things have a way of evening themselves out. After almost two semesters, I have learned that having an awesome RN to shadow for the day is almost like winning the lottery...like I said, almost.

I mean, I've never won the lottery so I don't really know how it feels. I wouldn't mind having the opportunity to truly compare the two though. I'm just saying....

I frantically (well, I try not to look frantic) research the four patients that my nurse has for the day - I have to pick two. This time, I go up to the charge nurse and ask her who she recommends I should choose to do my write ups on. I end up with complete opposite sides of the spectrum, which includes my first DNR patient - who happens to also be in respiratory failure & comfort care. Comfort care is exactly as it sounds, keeping the patient comfortable.

While I have carefully and decidedly avoided many situations that involve my loved ones in a hospital, this was one experience that I will never, ever forget.

You hear/read about a having a peaceful death all of the time. For the first time, I experienced it. While it was an incredible experience, it broke my heart.

I know, I know, I'm going to be a nurse and I'm going to have to deal with death a lot. I just hope that it gets easier.

I don't know how often J will be able to handle me sobbing when I get home, "She was someone's grandma & she probably made them cookies!"

Spring Break 2010

So....it just occurred to me that Spring Break 2008 was two long years ago. What a difference two years makes.

I spent Spring Break 2008 basking in the bright, sunny rays of a little Caribbean island: Aruba (you may have heard of it.) And yes, I asked my parents for permission to go. They were hesitant, but with a little bit of rebellion, I booked my flight anyway. And obviously, I returned safe & sound.

I've traded in fruity drinks with umbrellas with the clearest blue water you've ever seen for a rusted chaise lounge in a fenced-in patio. I still am working on getting a tan, but it's just not the same. But other things in 2010 are so much better than they were in 2008. And if you know, me, it's obvious as to what those things (and people!) are.

As I delve into my first novel in 9 months, I realize that this is just the break that I needed.

So, I'm taking the time to sit back & enjoy my life. This may not have been the St. Patrick's Day celebration that I envisioned (drinking a rare Corona & blogging.) But, I know that there will be plenty of those to come.

My goal(s) for the rest of the semester? Try not to stress out as much, consider what other people are going through (I have a tendency to only think about what I'm going through when I'm freaking out) & remember to just breathe. One day at a time is all we can do.

For now, life is good.

PS: Wear your seatbelts!!!

1/3 down....2/3 to go!

I have a quote taped to my keyboard at the office. I glance at it from time to time, but most of the time it just sits there. Today, I did what I'm supposed to do and I read it. Which also led me to post the first blog in a month.

"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." - Charles Dickens

I have spent the past month almost drowning in tears. The thought of quitting has entered my mind more times then I can even count. The 12 hour days, the 20 hours spent studying for an exam, the hours in between where I'm at the office at 8:00 at night: it gets exhausting! I keep hearing the same, "It will all be worth it in the end." Some days it's more difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel than others. I never have that feeling at the hospital on my clinical days - except for the 5:15am wake up, it's my favorite day of the week.

My patient last week had been complaining about the service that he had been getting at the hospital. I was nervous during morning report when I heard about his complaints. He was a nice enough guy. You know the type: he is the type of guy who snaps his fingers and gets what he wants. He even tried to get me to discontinue his IV before his nurse had a chance to review his discharge orders! As he was getting wheeled out of the hospital, my patient and his wife both thanked me for taking such good care of him. I don't think that I did anything special - I just try to treat my patients like they should be treated, they are people after all.

I have made a third of my journey, which is almost halfway there. It's the baby steps that count, right?

It's hard to think of what life will be like in May 2011, but I know where I will be: standing on a stage, at my nursing pinning ceremony. I'm sure the Charles Dickens' quote will be running through my head that day as well.

180

Re-reading my post from Wednesday night - it seems almost silly. Almost to the point where I want to delete it - almost.

I need to remember that whenever I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I saw it yesterday.

I saw it in my patient's wife's face - when she said that he was a walking miracle. I saw it in the doctor's face - when he moved out of the way so that I could give my patient his meds. I saw it when my nurse told me what a great job I was doing as I was hanging an IV bag of Levaquin. The light was there as my instructor (different from last semester) started talking to me about the Master's program that I should look into.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt accomplished in a long time. I actually felt like a nurse & it feels awesome!

Hospital - Week #4

Just as I thought that I was getting comfortable with this whole hospital thing – BAM! I have to rotate to a new floor, which means new nurses & new security codes to get into the supply & laundry rooms. The security codes don’t seem like that big of a deal – until you have an incontinent patient and you have to change her bed at least 3 times yourself. (I don’t know how many times the CNA ended up changing the bed…)

Wednesday afternoon, I picked out my “elderly” patient – since I have to write a paper & went home to bundle up for Justin’s water polo game. I know, I know, I should have stayed home & worked on my patient’s careplan instead, but I just couldn’t help myself. I refused to listen to my mom (which generally, isn’t a good idea…) & I went to the game. As I’m driving into Santa Ana, I realized that my Google Maps application isn’t working on my Blackberry. Great, just great. The game is about to start in 5 minutes, so it’s not like I can call Justin and ask him what street the school is on. After ending up near Mater Dei – I realized that I was totally lost – turned around and turned left onto some random street with a familiar name. I made it! Now, I just have to figure out what is going on. I’m getting better at understanding the game – but I still have a long way to go.

After freezing in a long-sleeved shirt, hooded sweatshirt & jacket, and watching the varsity boys win – it’s time to head home to do my careplan….and get ready for a busy two days.

So, the 2 alarm clock idea has worked well – and I wasn’t late at all this week. For the first time, I have a nurse who completely takes me under her wing all day – even to the point where she invites me to take breaks with her. I help her pour Stroke Lady’s crushed up meds into her G-tube. (She has problems swallowing – so all of her meds get crushed up and are inserted directly into her stomach through a tube.) Later, she allows me to “spike” the bag for the tube feeding, which is basically like spiking an IV bag. My classmates are excited and a few of them admit to being jealous when I tell them what I got to do. One hasn’t really gotten to give that many injections, I tell her that my patient has 3 – so maybe she will be able to do some tomorrow.

Thursday was also our midterm evaluations. I always get nervous when it comes to performance evaluations – I don’t know why. It doesn’t matter if it’s at Advanced Wellness or at Ken Clark or sitting in a conference room at Western Medical Center. It’s like I’m afraid that something bad is going to happen & I haven’t been able to prepare myself for it.

Well, nothing bad happens. As a matter of fact, my professor gives me what you could say – glowing – remarks. She tells me that she can see that I was meant to be a nurse – that I have the drive & the compassion to be a great nurse. I almost cry. She also tells me that I need to go on and get my Master’s degree so that I can teach. I almost cry again.

The nurse that I worked with today tells me that she could see me working in the ER or ICU – not on “a boring floor.” She says that she can see that I have great potential. As I say goodbye to my patient – she pulls me closer to her – so that I can hear her. She tells me that I am going to be a great nurse because I really care. I almost cry again!

I have worked so hard to get myself where I am today – I have been to the bottom and crawled my way back up to the top. Many of you were there to support me through it & I am so grateful for that. I spent the majority of the summer completely freaking out about this terrific opportunity that I’ve been presented with. I was afraid that I would fail and disappoint not only myself, but all of you.

During the past eight weeks, I have learned more about myself than I ever have before. It hasn’t been perfect, there have been a lot of tears and “freak outs.” But whenever I thought that I might not be able to do this, I have always had at least one person to tell me that I can. Whether it’s reminding me that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other people wanting to be in my position as a nursing student at Saddleback (thanks, Justin) or asking me if I really want to be a secretary for the rest of my life (thanks, Mom) or just telling me that they have faith in me & I just need to have faith in myself (thank you to everyone!) - I have been able to find the drive deep down inside of me to keep pushing through.

I found the similar drive on Sunday morning. At Mile 10, Amy & I start cramping up & feel practically every fiber in our muscles stretching and pulling. We never really thought about giving up - I knew that we could do it. As we actually jogged/ran that last ½ mile towards the finish line – we accomplished something that a lot of people didn’t think that we could (myself included.) We finished our first half marathon. As we cross the finish line – holding hands & jumping in the air – I almost cry again.

Hospital Day #5

The alarm clock reads 6:30…I slowly roll over to my face my current companion in bed and I find myself staring into a pair of deep brown eyes – 6:30!?!? Zoe looks a little frightened. I check my ‘crackberry.’ Yep – 6:30. Oh my gosh, I was supposed to be awake an hour ago – I’m supposed to be at the hospital right now. What happened!?! Adrenaline, mixed with frustration, surges through me. I set my alarm clock last night, but apparently, just forgot to turn it on.

Two scenarios run through my mind as I thumb through zillions of papers in my notebook, “Where is Barbara’s number? What am I going to say to her? Should I just tell her I’m sick and take the whole day off?” Whew. I find her number. Before I know it, my clinical instructor answers her phone. “Barbara, it’s Amanda…” The tears start creeping up into the corners of my eyes and my voice starts to break – “I just woke up…I don’t know what happened…What do you want me to do?” Barbara calmly, almost comically asks, “How fast can you get here without breaking any speeding limits?” “It will take me 30 minutes to get there…I can be there in 45 minutes.” She sweetly says, “Calm down and stop your tears…be here by 8:00.”

A huge sigh of relief escapes as I get ready to face my day. I realize that I only would have been hurting myself if I would have lied about being sick. After all, I stayed up (and Skyped with Hillary) and did my homework, including an extensive patient workup. I didn’t do all of that work for nothing!

I put my white scrubs on and then start the process of ‘putting on my face.’ I giggle to myself as I remember Akbar telling me, “Amanda, it’s makeup – not magic.” Well, it’s definitely magic this morning! It doesn’t help with the bad hair day, but whatever.

I walk into the nurse’s station at 7:35. My nurse doesn’t even seem to notice that I’m there an hour late. Awesome! She goes with me so that we can introduce ourselves to my patient. Before I know it, the lunch trays are here. I’ve already given my patient approximately 5 medications PO (which means “by mouth”) J along with three injections. I’m starting to feel a little comfortable with a needle in my hand…watch out!

The charge nurse is talking with my patient’s “roommate.” The post-motorcycle accident guy will be going home later today. Diabetic guy will be around until at least Monday. “Excuse me, Mark” I find myself saying to the charge nurse. I scoot past him and the door – Diabetic guy’s lunch tray in hand. BAM! Coffee and chocolate pudding are on the floor and have splashed up all over my white scrubs. I can feel my face turning as red as the sharps container hanging on the wall. Mark, the charge nurse, doesn’t laugh at all. “This happens all of the time!! I’ve ripped tons of scrubs with that stupid thing.” I’m playing everything back in my head. My sleeve got caught on the door handle, when I moved, everything else moved, but me. Mark goes and grabs some towels to clean up my mess. As he walks back into the room, BAM! His sleeve gets stuck too. I’m still wondering if he did that for my benefit. I giggle to myself wondering what Justin is going to say when he hears this!

I clean everything up and replace Diabetic guy’s cup of coffee. I run off to join my classmates at lunch and feel the need to instruct them about watching out for those trick door handles! They all say that they can barely notice the coffee, which has now dried onto my scrubs. It’s true – you only see it if it’s pointed out. But, I know it’s there and feel like everyone’s watching me!

After about 90 more minutes with Diabetic guy, I tell him that I’ll see him in the morning. He responds, “I’ll see you tomorrow, God willing.”

He instantly reminds me of my best friend, Akbar, who always says, “Insah Allah (if God wills it).

As soon as I get home, I ask Gabe if he has any Spray & Wash and declare that I’m going to need a lot of it.

He looks at my scrubs and laughs as I give him the rundown of what happened.

As I walk to the laundry room, a little boy and his parents are walking to the pool. He stops on the sidewalk and says, “Hey girl! Are you coming to the pool too?” “No – I have to do some laundry because I have to get up really early tomorrow.” “Girl, what’s your name?” “Amanda. What’s yours’?” “Joseph.”

I look at Joseph and his sweet little smile helps me remember why I chose to be a nurse – a pediatric nurse. Insah Allah.