Life is Short....Love is Sweet

An 8 hour shift at an outpatient cancer center didn't seem like it would be an enjoyable experience. In fact, I dreaded it. It didn't hit me until I was on the way there with Indiana Jones (my nursing school "husband") that I realized how sad the day was going to be. Even though I had a fresh Starbucks to chug down, I was really bummed out - the day was going to be depressing & sad....and I just knew it was going to last forever.

Indy and I walk in and the charge nurse welcomes us. The nurses all walk in with a smile on their faces and seem excited that we are there. Honestly, I thought that this was really weird. Then, a nurse tells us to help ourselves to some coffee and tells us that the volunteer will be back with cookies. I had just tossed my Starbucks in the trash on the way in, so I couldn't believe the good news. Indy and I look at each other - what is this place and where are we? The PCT offers us some homemade brownies and I proudly declare that I am never leaving!

Throughout the day, we assisted with chemotherapy and other various infusions. We were able to watch an apheresis procedure, a stem cell apheresis procedure, but definitely the most awesome of all was a bone marrow biopsy. During the bone marrow biopsy, the room started to spin a little...I could feel the beads of sweat forming across my forehead....the good news was that I didn't pass out and Indy told me that I didn't turn white!

It wasn't the procedure that did me in, it was the fact that the patient was being so brave and it wasn't a comfortable procedure at all. She was gripping onto the sheet so hard, I was able to slip my hand in between her hand and the sheet. When it was all over, she just looked at me and said "Thank you." It made my day!

The day blew my expectations away when I realized despite the circumstances, what a great place it was. A breast cancer patient referred to the nurses as her angels. After 2 hours of chemo, she stood up and gave me a huge hug and said, "You're going to be a great nurse!"

I'm starting to think more & more that maybe I'll have an answer to all of those people who ask me what I want to specialize in: oncology.

I know, I know, it's not going to be easy, it will probably be the hardest thing that I will ever do in my life. But, knowing that I am helping save someone's life, or at the very least, offer them comfort - that will be enough for me. Plus, the coffee, brownies and hugs don't hurt!

180

Re-reading my post from Wednesday night - it seems almost silly. Almost to the point where I want to delete it - almost.

I need to remember that whenever I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I saw it yesterday.

I saw it in my patient's wife's face - when she said that he was a walking miracle. I saw it in the doctor's face - when he moved out of the way so that I could give my patient his meds. I saw it when my nurse told me what a great job I was doing as I was hanging an IV bag of Levaquin. The light was there as my instructor (different from last semester) started talking to me about the Master's program that I should look into.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt accomplished in a long time. I actually felt like a nurse & it feels awesome!

Quitter

Carrie Underwood has a song on her new album "Play On" that sums up my love life perfectly: "Quitter."

The term is starting to take root in my daily life. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life. The first three weeks of my 2nd semester feel like my life has been taken over by a tornado.

The words "quit" have never come out of my mouth so many times. I wish that I could just wake up and feel that great sense of relief of having that RN after my name.

I feel so selfish and immature - when there is so much going on in the world. I mean, I have a great life - I need to just sit back and enjoy it for once.

The problem is that I just don't have the time or the energy. It is taking all of my strength just to get in the shower at night and get out of bed in the morning.

They say it will all be worth it in the end - but I just hope that I can get to that point...