Another day.....another set of tears

It was bound to happen sooner or later - the patient that I had "picked" on Wednesday afternoon was discharged before I arrived on Thursday morning. All of the pathophysiology that I looked up & wrote out...all of those dreaded medications and their side effects ended up being just a complete waste of time. Great, just great.

My instructor circles a nurse's name and tells me to pick two of her patients, because she is a great RN and I will learn a lot. My patient may have left, but my RN will be awesome, so things have a way of evening themselves out. After almost two semesters, I have learned that having an awesome RN to shadow for the day is almost like winning the lottery...like I said, almost.

I mean, I've never won the lottery so I don't really know how it feels. I wouldn't mind having the opportunity to truly compare the two though. I'm just saying....

I frantically (well, I try not to look frantic) research the four patients that my nurse has for the day - I have to pick two. This time, I go up to the charge nurse and ask her who she recommends I should choose to do my write ups on. I end up with complete opposite sides of the spectrum, which includes my first DNR patient - who happens to also be in respiratory failure & comfort care. Comfort care is exactly as it sounds, keeping the patient comfortable.

While I have carefully and decidedly avoided many situations that involve my loved ones in a hospital, this was one experience that I will never, ever forget.

You hear/read about a having a peaceful death all of the time. For the first time, I experienced it. While it was an incredible experience, it broke my heart.

I know, I know, I'm going to be a nurse and I'm going to have to deal with death a lot. I just hope that it gets easier.

I don't know how often J will be able to handle me sobbing when I get home, "She was someone's grandma & she probably made them cookies!"

Spring Break 2010

So....it just occurred to me that Spring Break 2008 was two long years ago. What a difference two years makes.

I spent Spring Break 2008 basking in the bright, sunny rays of a little Caribbean island: Aruba (you may have heard of it.) And yes, I asked my parents for permission to go. They were hesitant, but with a little bit of rebellion, I booked my flight anyway. And obviously, I returned safe & sound.

I've traded in fruity drinks with umbrellas with the clearest blue water you've ever seen for a rusted chaise lounge in a fenced-in patio. I still am working on getting a tan, but it's just not the same. But other things in 2010 are so much better than they were in 2008. And if you know, me, it's obvious as to what those things (and people!) are.

As I delve into my first novel in 9 months, I realize that this is just the break that I needed.

So, I'm taking the time to sit back & enjoy my life. This may not have been the St. Patrick's Day celebration that I envisioned (drinking a rare Corona & blogging.) But, I know that there will be plenty of those to come.

My goal(s) for the rest of the semester? Try not to stress out as much, consider what other people are going through (I have a tendency to only think about what I'm going through when I'm freaking out) & remember to just breathe. One day at a time is all we can do.

For now, life is good.

PS: Wear your seatbelts!!!

1/3 down....2/3 to go!

I have a quote taped to my keyboard at the office. I glance at it from time to time, but most of the time it just sits there. Today, I did what I'm supposed to do and I read it. Which also led me to post the first blog in a month.

"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." - Charles Dickens

I have spent the past month almost drowning in tears. The thought of quitting has entered my mind more times then I can even count. The 12 hour days, the 20 hours spent studying for an exam, the hours in between where I'm at the office at 8:00 at night: it gets exhausting! I keep hearing the same, "It will all be worth it in the end." Some days it's more difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel than others. I never have that feeling at the hospital on my clinical days - except for the 5:15am wake up, it's my favorite day of the week.

My patient last week had been complaining about the service that he had been getting at the hospital. I was nervous during morning report when I heard about his complaints. He was a nice enough guy. You know the type: he is the type of guy who snaps his fingers and gets what he wants. He even tried to get me to discontinue his IV before his nurse had a chance to review his discharge orders! As he was getting wheeled out of the hospital, my patient and his wife both thanked me for taking such good care of him. I don't think that I did anything special - I just try to treat my patients like they should be treated, they are people after all.

I have made a third of my journey, which is almost halfway there. It's the baby steps that count, right?

It's hard to think of what life will be like in May 2011, but I know where I will be: standing on a stage, at my nursing pinning ceremony. I'm sure the Charles Dickens' quote will be running through my head that day as well.