Jack Johnson

Jack Johnson is playing on the iPod. This particular playlist is labeled as "Hospital Remix."

I'm counting to 10 over & over again... The nurse asks "Do you have any John Mayer?" I laugh, thinking to myself that my coworker saw him at a restaurant, wearing a jacket with "Mayer" written across the back, just in case no one knew who he was. Loser.com for sure.

I feel like I've been counting to 10 for hours...it was really only been about 90 minutes. I'm the first to announce "I see his hair!" Dad is so excited, he forgets to count to 10 - I take over, reminding him to keep counting, without having to say anything to him.

Before I know it, the baby is out. Dad immediately has tears streaming down his cheeks. I grab the camera, so that they have a picture of him cutting the baby's cord. & so that they can have a picture of the nurse giving Mom the baby. & so that Dad can hold the video camera, without having to worry about someone taking pictures. & so that they have a couple of pictures of their first moments of being a family. (Don't worry - they were all G-rated!)

Before I know it, Mom tells Dad to get a picture of the baby & me. It was such a great moment. I congratulate the parents & tell them what a fabulous job they did. I also thank them for allowing me to help them throughout the delivery. Dad asks me how many deliveries I've assisted in. I tell him "This was my first one."

& from that moment on, it is a memory that I will never be able to forget.

The End....already?

I can't believe it's here already - the end of my 8 week rotation in pediatrics.

I never thought that I was going to enjoy this rotation as much as I did. Let's face it, everyone says I'm great with kids, so naturally, that would mean that I would be horrible with kids at the hospital.

Much to my surprise, I LOVED every second of this rotation - even when it meant waking up a 3 year old who just started bawling his eyes out when he saw me. Even when it meant that it was just me and a young, new mom trying to get her baby a bath.

I enjoyed getting to know my patients & their parents. Learning that singing the ABCs helps to comfort a 4 year old was quite the experience & just thinking about it brings a smile to my face - especially considering I am tone deaf.

Who knows? Maybe being a pediatric nurse is in my near future!

Here we go again..

"I might throw up - I'm scared."

That's the text message that I sent to my nursing school "wife". (We spend more time with each other than we do with our significant others, so why not come up with a nickname?)

3rd semester came so quickly. Where did my summer go? It seemed as though I blinked my eyes and my summer was gone. I suppose that can happen when you spend your entire summer working....

I am so grateful that I made the time to take a family trip up to the Central Coast. It was much needed (and let's face it, well deserved!)

I take a deep breath, step out of the car & walk towards the beginning of my 3rd semester.

Dear Patient:

"The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching." — John Wooden

Dear Patient:

I should be diligently working, but instead, I decided to read the local newspaper online. That's when I saw the headline: "Prominent radiologist was 'more than great'". I knew it was you - it just had to be. I had no idea how much you have done in the medical community until now.

Back in February, I knew you were a doctor. I knew that you liked football. We had a enjoyable discussion about our Pac-10 rivalry teams. You showed me your Kindle and told me how awesome it was, especially since you were going through your chemo treatments.

You touched my life that day. That day, I learned that working with oncology patients could be a life-changing experience.

When you told me you were on your last round of chemo, I didn't expect you to have such a positive outlook.

Thank you for giving me that gentle reminder that my life truly is amazing.

You will be missed.

It's OFFICIAL!!

2 semesters down....

2 to go.

What a journey it has been!

I am so proud of myself & my nursing school BFFs!!

5 Days

At this time, 5 days from now, I will be "officially" halfway done!!!

I can't believe that this time last year, I received my acceptance letter in the mail...

It has already been one year since J showed up at my office with my "RN" Vermont teddy bear.

I have come so far in the past year & I have grown in so many ways.

I hope that this next year is full of the same amazing & life-changing experiences that this past year has been!

Thank you to everyone who has written a text message, e-mail, facebook post over the past year. The "How are you doing?" - "Want to grab lunch?" - "Want to get a coffee?" - "You can do this" - "If you need me to talk, I'm here" - "I am so proud of you" - "I love you" messages have helped me get through even the most difficult of days.

I'm going to be a nurse...a REAL Nurse. And I'm going to be a great one.

19

Yesterday, I finished my last day of clinicals for the semester.

It still hasn't sunk in. I have taken care of approximately 19 patients over the course of the semester. I have seen everything from a patient with a hysterectomy - a patient with a new knee - a patient with a repaired back - a patient who would be losing most of his leg.

The experiences I have gained over the past 15 weeks I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I started my first IV.

I knew that a patient couldn't take blood products, even when his surgeon didn't know.

I provided comfort to a dying patient.

I did all of this and so much more.

I can look back and know that through all of the tears (and there were quite a few!) that I am doing what I love.

I'm already halfway to my goal: Amanda = RN!

Poker

A friend from high school sent me this today...he told me to write it down. I think you should too!

"Life is like a poker game. You deal or are dealt to. It includes skill and luck. You bet, check, bluff, and raise. You learn from those you play with. Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house. But whatever happens, it's best to keep on shuffling along."

Another day.....another set of tears

It was bound to happen sooner or later - the patient that I had "picked" on Wednesday afternoon was discharged before I arrived on Thursday morning. All of the pathophysiology that I looked up & wrote out...all of those dreaded medications and their side effects ended up being just a complete waste of time. Great, just great.

My instructor circles a nurse's name and tells me to pick two of her patients, because she is a great RN and I will learn a lot. My patient may have left, but my RN will be awesome, so things have a way of evening themselves out. After almost two semesters, I have learned that having an awesome RN to shadow for the day is almost like winning the lottery...like I said, almost.

I mean, I've never won the lottery so I don't really know how it feels. I wouldn't mind having the opportunity to truly compare the two though. I'm just saying....

I frantically (well, I try not to look frantic) research the four patients that my nurse has for the day - I have to pick two. This time, I go up to the charge nurse and ask her who she recommends I should choose to do my write ups on. I end up with complete opposite sides of the spectrum, which includes my first DNR patient - who happens to also be in respiratory failure & comfort care. Comfort care is exactly as it sounds, keeping the patient comfortable.

While I have carefully and decidedly avoided many situations that involve my loved ones in a hospital, this was one experience that I will never, ever forget.

You hear/read about a having a peaceful death all of the time. For the first time, I experienced it. While it was an incredible experience, it broke my heart.

I know, I know, I'm going to be a nurse and I'm going to have to deal with death a lot. I just hope that it gets easier.

I don't know how often J will be able to handle me sobbing when I get home, "She was someone's grandma & she probably made them cookies!"

Spring Break 2010

So....it just occurred to me that Spring Break 2008 was two long years ago. What a difference two years makes.

I spent Spring Break 2008 basking in the bright, sunny rays of a little Caribbean island: Aruba (you may have heard of it.) And yes, I asked my parents for permission to go. They were hesitant, but with a little bit of rebellion, I booked my flight anyway. And obviously, I returned safe & sound.

I've traded in fruity drinks with umbrellas with the clearest blue water you've ever seen for a rusted chaise lounge in a fenced-in patio. I still am working on getting a tan, but it's just not the same. But other things in 2010 are so much better than they were in 2008. And if you know, me, it's obvious as to what those things (and people!) are.

As I delve into my first novel in 9 months, I realize that this is just the break that I needed.

So, I'm taking the time to sit back & enjoy my life. This may not have been the St. Patrick's Day celebration that I envisioned (drinking a rare Corona & blogging.) But, I know that there will be plenty of those to come.

My goal(s) for the rest of the semester? Try not to stress out as much, consider what other people are going through (I have a tendency to only think about what I'm going through when I'm freaking out) & remember to just breathe. One day at a time is all we can do.

For now, life is good.

PS: Wear your seatbelts!!!

1/3 down....2/3 to go!

I have a quote taped to my keyboard at the office. I glance at it from time to time, but most of the time it just sits there. Today, I did what I'm supposed to do and I read it. Which also led me to post the first blog in a month.

"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." - Charles Dickens

I have spent the past month almost drowning in tears. The thought of quitting has entered my mind more times then I can even count. The 12 hour days, the 20 hours spent studying for an exam, the hours in between where I'm at the office at 8:00 at night: it gets exhausting! I keep hearing the same, "It will all be worth it in the end." Some days it's more difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel than others. I never have that feeling at the hospital on my clinical days - except for the 5:15am wake up, it's my favorite day of the week.

My patient last week had been complaining about the service that he had been getting at the hospital. I was nervous during morning report when I heard about his complaints. He was a nice enough guy. You know the type: he is the type of guy who snaps his fingers and gets what he wants. He even tried to get me to discontinue his IV before his nurse had a chance to review his discharge orders! As he was getting wheeled out of the hospital, my patient and his wife both thanked me for taking such good care of him. I don't think that I did anything special - I just try to treat my patients like they should be treated, they are people after all.

I have made a third of my journey, which is almost halfway there. It's the baby steps that count, right?

It's hard to think of what life will be like in May 2011, but I know where I will be: standing on a stage, at my nursing pinning ceremony. I'm sure the Charles Dickens' quote will be running through my head that day as well.

Life is Short....Love is Sweet

An 8 hour shift at an outpatient cancer center didn't seem like it would be an enjoyable experience. In fact, I dreaded it. It didn't hit me until I was on the way there with Indiana Jones (my nursing school "husband") that I realized how sad the day was going to be. Even though I had a fresh Starbucks to chug down, I was really bummed out - the day was going to be depressing & sad....and I just knew it was going to last forever.

Indy and I walk in and the charge nurse welcomes us. The nurses all walk in with a smile on their faces and seem excited that we are there. Honestly, I thought that this was really weird. Then, a nurse tells us to help ourselves to some coffee and tells us that the volunteer will be back with cookies. I had just tossed my Starbucks in the trash on the way in, so I couldn't believe the good news. Indy and I look at each other - what is this place and where are we? The PCT offers us some homemade brownies and I proudly declare that I am never leaving!

Throughout the day, we assisted with chemotherapy and other various infusions. We were able to watch an apheresis procedure, a stem cell apheresis procedure, but definitely the most awesome of all was a bone marrow biopsy. During the bone marrow biopsy, the room started to spin a little...I could feel the beads of sweat forming across my forehead....the good news was that I didn't pass out and Indy told me that I didn't turn white!

It wasn't the procedure that did me in, it was the fact that the patient was being so brave and it wasn't a comfortable procedure at all. She was gripping onto the sheet so hard, I was able to slip my hand in between her hand and the sheet. When it was all over, she just looked at me and said "Thank you." It made my day!

The day blew my expectations away when I realized despite the circumstances, what a great place it was. A breast cancer patient referred to the nurses as her angels. After 2 hours of chemo, she stood up and gave me a huge hug and said, "You're going to be a great nurse!"

I'm starting to think more & more that maybe I'll have an answer to all of those people who ask me what I want to specialize in: oncology.

I know, I know, it's not going to be easy, it will probably be the hardest thing that I will ever do in my life. But, knowing that I am helping save someone's life, or at the very least, offer them comfort - that will be enough for me. Plus, the coffee, brownies and hugs don't hurt!

180

Re-reading my post from Wednesday night - it seems almost silly. Almost to the point where I want to delete it - almost.

I need to remember that whenever I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, because I saw it yesterday.

I saw it in my patient's wife's face - when she said that he was a walking miracle. I saw it in the doctor's face - when he moved out of the way so that I could give my patient his meds. I saw it when my nurse told me what a great job I was doing as I was hanging an IV bag of Levaquin. The light was there as my instructor (different from last semester) started talking to me about the Master's program that I should look into.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt accomplished in a long time. I actually felt like a nurse & it feels awesome!

Quitter

Carrie Underwood has a song on her new album "Play On" that sums up my love life perfectly: "Quitter."

The term is starting to take root in my daily life. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life. The first three weeks of my 2nd semester feel like my life has been taken over by a tornado.

The words "quit" have never come out of my mouth so many times. I wish that I could just wake up and feel that great sense of relief of having that RN after my name.

I feel so selfish and immature - when there is so much going on in the world. I mean, I have a great life - I need to just sit back and enjoy it for once.

The problem is that I just don't have the time or the energy. It is taking all of my strength just to get in the shower at night and get out of bed in the morning.

They say it will all be worth it in the end - but I just hope that I can get to that point...